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Thoughts on FF7 House 20 Years Later
I'm sitting in my living room in my pretty okay house in the okayest part of the rough suburb I live in and I realize that today and right now, I've got access to a pretty decent amount of peace, but I keep forgetting about how much peace I actually have because I've kept so much of the stuff that's happened in my trauma memory space.
There was a situation recently that I couldn't get out of right away that put me in the path of a ton of arguing. I was getting very upset, and I had no idea why. I had to rescind my embedded cooperation with an effort I wanted to support because of the possibility of continued arguing and I felt like a baby explaining the situation to my contact, but having a conversation with another trauma survivor finally wiggled it loose - the arguing reminded me of a part of FF7 House I had zipped up in a zip file and sent to the dustiest, most far removed place in my mind so that the radiation wouldn't poison me.
At least I have an idea of why I'm like this. Talking it out and writing it out gives me a leg to stand on, and actually processes the moment so I'm not stuck trying to move with 10000 shards of shrapnel in my back. Now that it's been over 20 years, I never realized just how much compartmentalization would affect my ability to function. But there you go.